Spirit Quest Journeys

When Your Beliefs and Experiences Collide

As someone who has been walking the spiritual path for a while now, I have done a lot of emptying out, releasing, reclaiming my personal power, working through childhood trauma, guilt, shame, and blame. I have done a lot of identifying and changing those pesky patterns that created a disconnect from source, truth, authenticity and living in heart-centered consciousness.

I thought I was doing pretty darn good...and then I had an epiphany.

My epiphany came to me early one morning ... as I was sitting, enjoying the early morning breeze and the sounds of nature with a cup of coffee, my mind wandered to thoughts of why, after nine years since my divorce, I still wasn't ready to date again. I had never considered the fact that all my reclaiming of my personal power , I had actually missed one big part...a part I didn't even know I was missing until now.

It was the part of me that I gave away with my own perceptions of how others has treated me. I had internalized my perceptions of their actions, categorized them, looked at them, neatly placed them in a box and locked it up tight. Except for the little tiny fact, I was still running the brain loop that was causing me to alter my behavior and my beliefs as a result. I was not living as authentically as I could. I was making all the new (or potentially new) people and experiences in my life to be tainted by my view based on how I was handling (or not handling) other people's behavior toward me from my past. 
It is my core belief to not carrying baggage from a past relationship into another one, to not judge others by someone else's opinion about them and to trust others until they gave me a reason not to. 

Then my outer world collided with that core belief. I was letting the hurt and pain from my experiences to taint my view in various ways for everyone who came into my life after them. Even though  I thought I had cleared the others and my experience with them out of my field, had released the pain and the trauma, healed and was coming from a place of love. The reality was, I had only partially done it.

When I looked at my general attitude and behavior, I was pushing people away based on my fear of being hurt, abandoned, rejected and betrayed again. I was avoiding dating, I was putting on weight, I was choosing to be alone and not making new friends.


Because I was still running that looping pattern of self protection when it wasn't needed! That pattern was from a different point in time, in a different city, with different people. I was changing but I hadn't updated this pattern and it was driving my life! AND, I didn't even realize it. 

When I look at all the people I have met after any of the encounters that caused me pain, not one of them was trying to do the same thing to me ... however I was treating them as if they were and did. How unfair of me! How rude to them! 

No one wants to be rejected just because they dared to show up in your view and have done nothing other than to be kind. No one deserves to be treated as if they are guilty before they have even had a chance to show themselves. No one wants to carry the burden of something they did not do and would not do.  

So how did this look to me?

I thought I had dealt with my divorce on all levels, physically, emotionally, and mentally. It was a long, expensive three year battle, and yet we remained friends for the past 9 years. I harbored no resentment and was enjoying my life. Through my epiphany, I was able to see that I had really only partially dealt with it, mentally, emotionally and physically.

A closer look at my life revealed that physically and emotionally I had put on weight...to pad and protect myself and to signal I was not available. I didn't want to date or meet new men...I wasn't "ready". I found myself making excuses such as "they just want a mother or caretaker", "all the good ones are taken", "all the men my age are wounded or broken or not doing their spiritual work" and "who would want to look at this body naked". Really?
THAT was my excuse? 
How inappropriate for me to lump all men together and project my attitude and unprocessed pain about my former relationship onto any one else without even giving them ta chance. I had to ask myself when did I become that person? And I must say, I was shocked with myself because even though it was not my core belief , it had become my pattern. A pattern that stemmed from my unprocessed pain and fear of being intimate with anyone else.

Are there some men out there that are that way? Absolutely! But the majority, no. I just wasn't willing to be out there and was blaming them as my reason, instead of looking to myself and accepting maybe I needed more time to really heal first and I seriously needed an attitude adjustment. 

So what does the healing look like to me? It came first as the awareness that I was projecting my fear and pain and pushing others away; then it came to the let's get to the root cause with a whole lot of questions (and ... and why ...) to myself.

As I began to peel it back, I got to the root cause and then I started re-framing my thought patterns to be more in alignment with my core beliefs and what I was really wanting. Looking for those all, always, never statements that were so not true. I started focusing in on what I do want so the Universe could bring that to me. And yes, at the top of my list was someone with integrity, honesty, honor, respect, trustworthiness who was dependable, kind, loving, fun to be with, would accept me as I am and was appropriate for where I am now. By calling forth those attributes, I can now see and attract that side of people instead of my projection designed to keep them all away.

We live in a physical world and it's messy. We get our feelings hurt, we misunderstand, we judge, we blame, we shame, we expect others to read from our script book instead of their own. But isn't that also the point? to experience life? to love? to give? to receive? to learn compassion and understanding? to grow? To be true to ourselves and stand in our own power without overpowering or projecting onto others? to live in heart-centered consciousness?

And what is the hurt and pain anyway? Isn't it really more that they couldn't live up to our expectations? And are those expectations even reasonable in the first place? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Do we allow others to show up as themselves or are we seeing who they are and then wanting and expecting them to be different just to please us? Was the hurt more about us not wanting to accept our time together was up and needing to blame them because we didn't get that memo or simply didn't want to be the one who got left?

I had a lot to think about. So now, I'm mindful of my thoughts and judgments and I'm doing my best to be open and willing to see the goodness in others so I can attract that to me. I choose to see the glass as half full and the world as fun place to be. I choose to acknowledge that it can be hostile at times but that there are times and places of joy, happiness and goodness. I choose to see the best in others first and only judge when given a real reason to. A reason that has been tempered with a fair analysis.

And I have enlisted my friends to remind me when I forget.

We've all had situations and occurrences in our life that shape who we are and how we identify. Sometimes those cast a positive shadow and sometimes they keep us in a negative pattern, repeating the same story word for word. Constantly seeing the situation in a way that re-traumatizes you, that prevents you from moving forward, that stops you from learning and growing. I'm going to give a few examples from my life and from the lives of others...not to shame or judge, but so we can all try to reframe those same or similar situations in our own lives into something that we can grow and learn from and switch into a pattern that helps us and raises us out of a lower vibrational stream.

I've been told that I need to go up from a situation so that I can see it from a higher perspective. It allows me or whoever else to see the story from all sides, who all of the players are, what they are bringing to the situation, and also from the perspective of how this helps my soul grow. When I am in the midst of a trying time, I really have to consciously do this, because sometimes I would rather just not deal with it (my first go to), or just whine about how much it sucks and how much it hurt. Going into that higher perspective not only allows me to see what biases and lenses I'm bringing to the situation, but also allows me to see the other people in a more empathetic light with all the baggage they are bringing with them. It also allows me to see the roles we all played in the situation on a universal soul level that allows for all those involved to learn and grow and get further along on our paths of masteries.

I had been intuitively or psychically seeing a situation play out in a violent, traumatic way. And yet, I was only allowed to allude to what I was seeing. I wasn't allowed to interfere. I wasn't allowed to warn outright. I couldn't stop the situation from happening for a few reasons: 1) I didn't know when it was going to happen, 2) there was a higher, karmic lesson attached for the people involved, 3) if I had interfered, then I would have stopped that lesson and I would have incurred some karmic debt, and 4) every time I tried to say something, I was stopped...stopped by a higher guide...I was only allowed to vaguely warn on how the situation might turn out if the energy flow continued. As it turned out, this was enough to allow the awareness to be just within reach and the situation was diffused in a less violent and traumatic way...but not completely avoided. So this sent me into a sort of existential tailspin because why was I being shown something that I couldn't prevent? Had I somehow failed those involved in the situation? Had I read the energy wrong or missed something that could have prevented it? What's the point of knowing if I have no control over the outcome or knowing the timing? My human ego was pouting...I didn't like the outcome because I wanted them to avoid the situation completely. I'm a libra...I like harmony and balance and peace...and sometimes at all costs even if it's ultimately detrimental.

So...I had to talk with a friend and mentor to help me reframe this situation. That person helped me see reasons number 2 and 3 above because I had not seen them before. I was too far into shame and doubt and guilt and "what's the point of intuition?" that I couldn't see the situation in a higher perspective. I needed someone else to reframe it for me.

As a nurse, I have worked with hundreds of patients. What I have seen is that when the person associates who they are with their illness, pain, disease...they don't get well and they don't get better. When the identity of the person is "My name is Jane and I have infliction A," who is she when she no longer has infliction A? How will other people treat her if she is well? Will she still be loved and cared for? They have to learn how to reframe who they are and what their illness or pain is stemming from and that can feel overwhelming and impossible to many. But once the person is able to see themselves outside of the confines of the pain or illness, then they can reframe their life and who they are and what that disease means to them on a soul level.

Also, when a person views their illness, pain, or disease as the enemy they are at war with, this also sets off a vibrational stream of conflict and angst and the physical body goes into fight or flight mode...setting off a cascade of physical reactions that affect the person. If you can reframe the infliction in a way that allows you to look at it from the point of view of what is this showing me that needs attention in my life? Is it saying that I need to take better care of myself in the way of eating healthy and exercising? Is it telling me that I really need to find a healthier way of dealing with stress and my emotions? Is it showing me that I can embrace and love any challenge that comes my way as a means to allowing my soul to grow and to master a lesson? When we can integrate the pain or disease and surround it in love and gratitude and appreciation, then we can attain a peace and calm in our life that allows for the possibility of feeling totally supported and loved by the Universe. To know, that no matter what we face, we will be ok...and stronger and better.

This can also apply to a survivor of abuse, a survivor of a traumatic event, a person who has an eating disorder, a person who has been through recovery for an addiction, or any number of situations. It can be a person who has been chasing after a relationship with someone who will never see them the same way they see that person. We all have our stories. Some of our stories are hilarious and joyous and amazing. And some of our stories are sad. They hurt. Some are so buried we aren't even aware that we live them and repeat them on a daily basis. But all it takes is reframing....looking at our life from a higher perspective - from a soul level. Reframing those repetitive patterns from the viewpoint of what do I have to learn from this pattern? What is it trying to show me that I need to work on within myself? When we can frame everything that happens with love, gratitude for the lesson attached, and appreciation for the opportunity to grow, we can start feeling the safety and security that the Universe provides. Because...you ARE supported and loved and safe within the arms of the divine Universe.

You may have heard the term "Path of Mastery" and said "that's nice" and had no clue what that really means.

Let's look at it more closely...to me, "path" implies movement. The word path is much like a trail or road...something that you move along to get yourself from point A to point B.

"Path of" implies that it is a specific kind of path.

"Mastery" implies that it is something you have done so many times, you know almost all there is to know about it. You have become a "subject matter expert," familiar with each and every aspect of it...the good, the bad, the ugly, the ways it works, the ways it doesn't, the width, the breadth and the depth of it. I say almost all because I allow for future growth of expansion and there are things from our now perspective that we don't know might be possible.

For example, Thomas Edison found 99 ways light bulbs do not work...and then he found the one that did and we used it for a long while. Then someone else picked it up and took it even further. Look how light bulbs have changed over the course of your life. Or how about computers...they started out as big as buildings with very small memory and processor speed and today they are as big as a mosquito and a million times faster and still being improved.

So, when we say Path of Mastery in metaphysical terms...mastery of what? Why? And who cares?

This is one of those deep questions some of us ask and ponder. Why am I here in this life time, right now? What is my purpose? What am I "supposed" to be doing? How do I know I'm on a path? How do I know I'm on the right path? How do I know I'm doing it right? And the list goes on...

It is also a question that may slap up against one or more of your core beliefs or your religious teachings and, as all things, is a matter of perspective and reason. 

So humor me a moment and allow my ramblings...For the purposes of this discussion, let's assume you believe in the concept of past lives, in the possibility of you being an eternal being and you having a physically focused experience here on planet Earth, and let's suppose you wanted to know what love was all about.

So here you are, this beautiful eternal being who is trying to fully understand love. You know about heavenly unconditional love because you are an eternal being, but what do you know about human love? parent love? sibling love? best friend love? partner love? conditional love? animal love? plant love? earth love? fake love? misguided love? misidentified love?

What else might you want to know about love? How about all the things that love is not! Like hate? anger? rage? guilt? blame? jealousy? judgement? control? violence? abuse? rejection? betrayal? abandonment?

Now, as this eternal being who is eager to learn all aspect of love, to become that subject matter's expert on love, you decide to come down into a physical form in a physical world for the sole purpose of learning all the many aspects of love.

You come down to Earth and have a life where you learn an aspect or two about love. You leave the earth plane, integrate what you learned, pick another aspect or two and jump back in. And you keep doing this, retaining what you learned each time, and then returning to learn a new aspect or deepen one you experienced before. To truly master love, you experience both sides...the one giving and the one receiving. So think of both lists above and imagine yourself in the role of the giver and then in the role of the receiver for each (and all the others you thought of that I didn't list).

Now, think of how you perceived things when you were 3-4 years old and how you perceive the same thing now as the adult you are with all your adult experiences. You have a broader deeper wider perspective that has been "flavored" and "colored" by your experiences as the giver and the receiver.

Can you see that as a young child, you were limited in your knowledge and awareness and as the adult, you had a broader and deeper sense? Can you also see that as a soul trying to learn (master) something, when you have a limited experience, you can't see the whole picture yet and as you have more experiences and can integrate them, you are beginning to become that subject matter expert?

Consider your life now,  what do you know about love? How many aspects of what it is and what it is not do you know about? By know, I mean, you have experienced many aspects and as you think about them, you can see them from the mindset of mastery versus ego. You can see the aspects of what it is and what it is not with the knowing they are simply just an aspect of love. What does your experiences tell you about your width, depth and breadth of love? Can you see the beauty of unconditional love, even when your human view wants you to judge, be biased or just angry? Can you see how difficult it truly is in the physical world when we operate behind the veil of forgetting we are an eternal being? Can you see how a path of mastery of love might look?

Let's cycle back to a path of mastery. Most of us are so busy living life and getting by that we often don't stop and think about mastering anything that doesn't pay us to do it.

What if mastering a path of love was a way to be AND to do the things you are already doing that pay you? Let me say it again...what if it was THE WAY you do what you are already doing to get paid?

Might it look like Kindness? Honesty? Integrity? Helpfulness? Honor? Respect? Caring? Sharing? Hand up (not hand out)?

Might it not look like Cheating? Lying? Manipulating? Deceit? Temper tantrums? Insisting on it always being 'your way'?

What if you made a decision to walk a path of mastery of love and made a conscious decision to, every day, stand in the truth of love, were kind and generous, helpful and honest, true to yourself, not lying, not judging, not cheating and not manipulating. Do you think your world would be different?

What if you became aware that you were living a life of learning the aspects of what love was not. Could you then view it as going deep and wide and not feeling broken by the experiences? Do you think knowing that it's just an experience of an aspect of love, you could then quickly move through your perceived pain and find the love for the other who helped you see that aspect?

There is no right or wrong answer. If you have never been aware and still don't care, great for you. If you can see it and view your life differently now, great for you. 

It's all about perspective and growing and waking up to you. The real you. Enjoy your journey. Marvel at your life adventures...the good, the bad and the ugly...and know that you are right where you are supposed to be, doing what you came to do. Be kind and gentle with yourself...after all, you are just learning an aspect of love.

We are such funny creatures sometimes. We will always complain about something in our life and yet most of us, on any given day, will fail to recognize the hand we have in creating the experience.

You see, the Universe will ALWAYS conspire to make you right. So whatever you think and say, you are putting out a call to the Universe...and the Universe will answer you and make you...right!

We live in a vibrational world. Everything is vibration. We sense and interpret and react or act based on the vibrations. All of your life experiences, your beliefs, your assumptions, your judgments, your biases, your reasoning about things, all form your own personal vibrational streams. With every thought you think, you add to one of your  personal vibrational streams and it is from this stream that you judge and view every experience you have.

We launch our requests to the Universe all the time. Our human problem is we have short term memory and expect instant gratification and we often forget we made a request in the first place, or that we called it back or we made it where it took a while for the Universe to line it up as we requested and then we act surprised that it happened the way it did. 

Much like stating I want a new car and following it up immediately with “but I can't afford it.” You created the not having the car. When you are in the "maybe, or I don't know" you are sending vague wishy washy requests and you get back...vague and wishy washy. When you are clear and focus on receiving (not obsessing) something, are taking action steps toward it, unwavering in your knowing its coming to you, it appears. 

We are all multifaceted beings. We have thousands of aspects of ourselves and each one is unique. While each of us can be a kind spirit or a mean jerk, how someone else experiences us really depends on their beliefs, attitudes, judgments, biases, past experiences and the vibrational thought stream they are tapped into at the moment.

If you think someone is an asshole, you will pull out their asshole aspect and get to see and experience the asshole side of them.  Just like if you think that very same person is kind, you will pull out their kindness aspect and get to see and experience their kindness. You pull out from people what YOU think ABOUT THEM!

If you think you have no money, you will experience not having money. If you think you are sick, you will experience being sick. If you suspect the worst, you will experience the worst. What you THINK matters! It is a call to the Universe...each and every time.

If you think that no one values or respects you, you will experience people not valuing or respecting you...even when they are normally the most respectful and highly value you. It is not them...it is your thought stream that the Universe is matching through the path of least resistance. Let that sink in. 

Now, we all know that no one wakes up in the morning and says to themselves, "I think today I will fall down and break my leg or get sideswiped by another driver or have someone hack my bank account ". But if we are honest with ourselves, we will recognize that our thoughts and feelings were scattered, we were feeling lonely, desperate, distracted, out of harmony, unworthy, stressed, preoccupied and/or vulnerable; and these thoughts acted like a magnet to place us at the right place at the right time for that vibrational thought to be matched.

It isn't difficult to change your thoughts from “I don't have" to "I do have" or "I think that person is (fill in the blank)" It does require action on your part to consciously pay attention, take corrective action and then practice it until it becomes just as easy.

If you think about it, we only experience difficulty because it is an invitation to change. Otherwise, what would motivate us to ever do anything different?

You learned as a child that fire was hot and could burn, that ice was cold and could freeze, that driving too fast around a curve could cause a wreck, that water on the floor was slippery, and the list goes on.  

So when did you STOP learning that actions have consequences and just went into a blind mantra mode with thoughts and statements that were creating so many of the thing you did not want? You are not going to get an apple if you plant a potato seed. You are not going to get to New York from Miami if you are on I-10 heading west toward Los Angeles. So why do you think you can attract money from a poverty mindset or a loving relationship when you won't love yourself?

Who is driving your thoughts? Are you consciously creating or just in auto-pilot, blindly accepting other people's beliefs without considering whether they are true for you or not?

Take some time to review your current life experiences and see which ones are being created by a negative or limiting thoughts and views. If your "view" is one of not enough money, ask yourself, is it really true, is it fear talking or was that really your parent's point of view and you accepted as truth for you? Are you only looking at the current moment's experience without recognizing today's experience is the creation of what your thoughts were yesterday? 

When you are willing to walk through your life every day from the place of creating consciously, with intention and from your heart, you will have brand new experiences because of your awareness. Let the Universe match what you are really wanting and not what was created out of brain looping from unworthiness or victimhood.  See the good and experience the good.  Know you will receive and you will. Get into the how it will feel when you have what you want with gratitude for receiving it. Celebrate your victories and act as if...because the Universe will ALWAYS make YOU RIGHT.

My husband went to get a rental car when our car was getting hail damage repaired. (Background information about my husband is that he will talk to anyone. And, he always makes a point to ask whoever is helping him how their day is going.) So he had a gentleman helping him with the car and he asked his normal question of how was he doing today. The man first said that he was doing good. But then he stopped, said no, no he wasn’t. That he had recently lost his wife and then the day before, someone had ran over and killed his dog. So my husband replied how much that sucked and how sorry he was that he was experiencing those losses. The man got pulled away by a phone call and another person finished the transaction.

But this story got me thinking about what if we stopped answering in a way that made other people feel like they did their good deed in acknowledging you and let them just move on with no deeper connection. What if, instead, we actually wanted to connect with others we come into contact with and that we were honest with others who ask us those perfunctory questions? This would then give others permission to then do the same. What if we all just told the truth and acknowledged our feelings?
I know that as I have awakened and have had to figure out how to not feel numb to my feelings, it has been a difficult process. It’s not comfortable to go back and figure out why you numbed yourself to begin with, then the long process of getting out of resistance, processing, integrating and healing the emotions and traumas that got you to where you are now. It’s not easy to consciously choose to live your life authentically and show up to every situation as you are with no apologies.

What if we started teaching our kids when they are just toddlers to first recognize and assign the appropriate name to their feelings? Then, whenever they are feeling anything that our society deems too personal or not socially acceptable, we buck that non-beneficial belief system and thought process that have been handed down generations upon generations. Instead, we give them the safe space to express exactly what they are feeling. And we respond appropriately to comfort them, validate their feelings. and give them a safe space for expression. And if their response is spewing and becoming physically, emotionally, or mentally abusive, we teach them a different, healthier way of dealing with it.

We have been taught to conform, don’t rock the boat, keep the peace. We have been taught being emotional is bad and weak. We have been taught that we need to say and do certain things when in certain situations. To behave in polite company. But lets imagine a world where we actually just allow others to be sad, angry, happy, disappointed, excited, or whatever else they are feeling at the time, without shame, blame or judgment .. just an honest expression of I'm feeling ....  And in this imaginary world, you also allow yourself to be all these things also.

I think we would see a decline in anxiety, depression, substance abuse, suicides, homicides, and other types of violence and abuse against each other. I think we would see an increase in healthy relationships on all levels, from a casual encounter to a romantic partnership. People would not have to struggle so much to fit in and feel like a little part of them dies each time they have to lie and say their day is good or they are good or that they are doing ok when the truth is that their day has been rather shitty...in fact, their month has been a series of heartache and stress and pain.

I truly think that that stream of negativity would be lessened if the person experiencing it was allowed to speak their reality and how they are feeling when it first started instead of having to ignore it to make other people around them feel better.

It’s like we all just walk around with the weight of the world on our back. We are stressed. We aren’t coping well. We feel like we are alone in our struggles and everyone else is handling life so much better than I am so why can’t I?

Let’s all start being the change we want. Let’s start allowing ourselves the safe space to acknowledge our feelings and heal. And let’s start allowing others to tell us the truth when we ask the “how’s your day” question. Take a chance to be a little uncomfortable when they say their day sucks. Take a chance to get to know why and how you can help hold space or provide comfort or whatever that person needs at that particular time. It doesn’t have to take but a minute. And yet that momentary encounter with someone who truly wants to connect on a soul level is enough to send rippling waves of change to a healthier, happier, more abundant society and we all benefit from that vibrational energy stream.

Growing up, I experienced several people I loved getting cancer and dying within a short time later from the effects of the disease and the "cures." So whenever I hear of someone being diagnosed with cancer, it brings up a lot of negative emotions ranging from fear, sadness, anger, anxiety, depression, and the list goes on...
My son has a dance/theatre teacher who was diagnosed about a year ago with cancer. She's about my age with 4 kids and a husband and hundreds of dance kids who love her dearly. Both my kids have taken class from her and they both loved every minute of it. So when we received an email today that stated the cancer had progressed and was growing more aggressively despite treatment, it broke my heart to have to tell my son she's not coming back to class. It broke my heart for her, her husband, her kids, my kids, and all who know and love her. She has faced this with grace...smiling, laughing, dancing, and generally uplifting everyone she comes into contact with.
But along with this sadness for her, it also caused a tidal wave of emotions for me and my experiences with cancer and other life threatening illnesses with my family and friends.
My daughter made the statement that she didn't know anyone who had been diagnosed with cancer that got better for any significant length of time. I then asked, "what about me?" This made her stop. You see, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer a little over 12 years ago. I was being divinely protected because they were able to just remove the small tumor, along with my whole thyroid and lymph nodes in my neck to be considered "cured." In fact, the process was so easy, that I do not consider myself a "cancer survivor" and many people who know me, don't know this part of my life. I (read: my ego) keep it hidden. I'm the one that got away...and I don't want to give it time or energy just in case it finds me again.

Truth is, I didn't want to face that diagnosis because it made me face my fears and grief from childhood. When I was 13, my grandmother and cousin who was the same age as me were both diagnosed with cancer within a week of each other. Within 18 months, both had succumbed to the cancer 5 months apart from each other. Add on my grandfather dying of emphysema within the next year, and that was a traumatic time in my life. I also had a friend who was a couple years older than me from the church I grew up in die from leukemia at that same time. I came out of this time with a healthy respect, but unhealthy fear of cancer because it had taken some of the people I loved the most away from me.

So if I follow the teachings to find joy in every moment, a lesson in every pain, gratitude in every situation, how do I reconcile that with the very real grief that threatens to overwhelm and overtake me? How do I tap into that joy and gratitude? And the truth is, I deal with it better in one moment than I do in the next, and it comes in waves. But, I keep returning to the gratitude in being able to love and experience receiving love from these beautiful souls. I am joyful that I can look back at my experiences growing up together and laugh at some of my happiest moments of my entire life...a feeling of pure bliss and happiness, just loving life and having fun. Even at the darkest and saddest moments, we were able to love and laugh and support each other in and through our pain.

To illustrate this, here's the story of my cousin's funeral. All of the cousins were sitting in the front row at the church because we acted as his pallbearers. This was a rough service, because, although he had been sick, he had just received an all clear scan and had completed his last chemotherapy treatment. Then suddenly, he woke up with an excruciating headache, disoriented, and he told his dad and stepmom that he was dead. They rushed him to the hospital and within the day, he was gone from this earthly plane. So the cousins were all sitting together crying. I had tears pouring and I went to wipe them away when I inadvertently flung one that landed on my sister's arm who wasn't crying at that exact moment. The confusion and look on her face as she was trying to figure out where this wayward tear had come from completely made me lose it and start laughing. Pretty soon, our pew of cousins were doing all we could just to not burst out in belly rolling laughter. But what this showed me, besides my cousin was, indeed, a mischievous imp who definitely played a part in the whole thing, was that laughter is therapeutic. It helps heal. It helps shift the energy even when you are the saddest you've ever been.

To circle back to my daughter, she was very young when I had my surgery to remove the tumor. We made sure her life remained stable and calm while never hiding the fact that I was going through some surgeries. I guess we did a good job in that aspect in that I think she truly forgot that I had had cancer. So while I grieve the losses again of all the people in my life I have lost from my earthly plane, I celebrate life. I choose to live in joy, gratitude, and love. I renew my commitment to allow my grief, sadness, and anger at the unfairness that my ego perceives in this situation to have a voice and to be heard.

But...I also renew my commitment to look for the lessons, to live from a place of heart-centered consciousness and love, to find gratitude in EVERY moment for the situation and all the participants in that situation whether I'm judging it as positive or negative. I choose to let go of the self-judgment and holding myself to a higher standard that I hold others. And I choose to love myself as much as I love others. Because, if we only live from a place of fear, we have never lived at all...

We live in a vibrational world. We all can feel it to some degree. You know, like when you walk into a place and it feels good or makes you uncomfortable...Or how you feel about certain people...instant attraction or repulsion...Or when you really want something and can't manifest it... 

Vibrations can be vague or specific. For example, I want a piece of cake versus I want a piece of German Chocolate cake with lots of coconut and pecans.

Here's something fun to try. As you go about your day, make a mental note of all the times you say I want a (fill in the blank) and try to the same thing using I want the (fill in the blanks) and notice how different the feel to you.

Examples might be I want a drink and I want the Coke. I want to go see a movie and I want to go see (fill in the blanks).

When we are specific (using "THE") we are actually standing in a place of power where we were clear and specific about our desires, whereas using "A" is vague and sort of wishy washy.

So what else is there about vibration?

How about the energy streams we create with our thoughts? How big, deep and wide a specific stream is depends on the amount of time and attention you put toward a specific stream. For example, if your self talk (silently and out loud) is I can't afford (fill in the blanks) and this has been your mantra for weeks or months or years, you have a pretty good stream going and it's going to take more energy to shift to a different stream...as you have a current going that's hard to buck. You will not change these streams with just a few better thoughts...you will slow the stream and make it smaller, but you can't get rid of it with just a few thoughts. Now, it won't take an equal number to counter it, but it will take a consistent better momentum to change your stream.

This applies to your finances, your time, your luck, your relationships, your work, your health.

What is YOUR SELF TALK for each of your streams? 

We all do it...we all have that self-defeating self-talk that keeps us in a certain vibration to varying degrees in all areas of our lives. What adds to our streams is how we feel and think and believe about ourselves.

For example, if you say I want a new blue car and then follow it with "but I can't afford it"...what do you think you just created? the car? or the lack of the car? If you said the lack of the car, you are right, because you launched your desire and then pulled it right back with the "I can't afford it."

So here's something fun to try...rather than say I can't afford it, play this game with yourself and the Universe. State your desire (I want a new blue car) and when I'm driving my (specific details about the car like my new blue brand, model, etc.) I am so grateful and thankful and I feel so (fill in the blanks). Thank you, Universe, for my new blue car. Get into the emotions of how it FEELS to have the car...how it fits your body, how it smells, how it handles, how happy you are...just go with the feeling of having it from a place of gratitude for having it. Play this game as often as you can. The more you play, the more you create that stream of having it.

Just do not go to the cursed HOW am I going to afford this...that is not your job (yep -- not your job). Your JOB is to state what you want (the new blue car) and then get out of your way, align your energy, be in a state of receiving, and jump at the chance to take action with the opportunities the Universe presents to you. By acting as if you already have it (you know how it feels to you when its there) you are actually creating that for yourself. The cursed HOWs are the Universe's job and they will get it to you through the path of least resistance if you can get out of your way.

Same thing with relationships. Are you approaching a new or current relationship from a place of lack, neediness or fear? Are you repeating your past bad choices in a relationships? Or can you say to the Universe, "I'm ready for a new relationship that makes me feel (fill in the blanks) with someone with these attributes (fill in the blanks). These are my deal breakers (fill in the blanks) and when I'm with this person I feel (fill in the blanks). I am so happy, grateful and thankful for this loving relationship. Thank you."

Remember your point of attraction is from the current vibrational stream you are running, so check your stream. Where are you in your readiness to be that perfect partner to someone else? Where do you stand in your integrity and ability to honor and respect your relationship? Are you just wanting "A" relationship or do you want "THE" relationship? A relationship without thought will produce someone...but with all your old garbage and patterns still attached. However, when you take the time to ponder what you are really wanting in terms of attributes and HOW YOU FEEL, combined with your personal commitment to the relationship, now you can attract THE relationship and not a new face to the same old relationship issues you may have been experiencing.

Get your relationship with yourself straight first, get clear on how a loving relationship will feel to you and what attributes of the other person are important to you. Then do a self check...you want this from another person, do you also have that attribute? (Trustworthiness, integrity, honesty, stability, etc.) If you want someone who is trustworthy and you are not trustworthy how is that fair to the other person? In relationships, you also need to be the perfect match to someone. So take time to clean your own house in preparation. Be over your ex, make sure you've let go of your past pains and judgments and expectation and really think about how you want to be treated, love and treat yourself the way you want to be loved and treated. Be specific in what you are wanting, not what you have experienced in the past. What do you want now from this new relationship?

When you are ready, meaning you've cleaned up your own house and know what you have to offer and are clear on what you want AND HOW IT WILL FEEL when that person shows up...you are ready to launch your desire to the Universe. Then stay in gratitude and appreciation and begin living each day as if they are already there. Imagine your conversations, what you will go do and how much fun it will be. Make room in your life for them to come in. Yes, this means un-busy yourself, clean out your closets and drawers, Feng shui your bedroom and be prepared.  And if any of this makes you scared or nervous -- you are not ready and moving forward when you are not ready will get you A relationship and not THE relationship.

"A" can imply you are settling or taking the first thing that comes along and is a match to your current vibration. "THE" implies you are wanting a specific thing and are in alignment with the vibration and feelings you've put out there.

The nature of vibrations is about our feelings, our core beliefs and our self-talk. Be mindful of what you are telling yourself for it is a self-fulfilling prophesy and the Universe will conspire to always make you right. If you think you can't, you can't. If you think you can, you can. If you doubt, what you doubt will make you right. If you fear, the thing you fear will happen. Be brave enough to look at your streams and strong enough to change streams if you don't like the one you are on. You are not an indentured servant and you don't have to stay stuck anywhere. You stay stuck when you won't look at or change where you find yourself. 

We are silly humans. As children we were carefree and eager to learn and try new things. As adults, the moment we get possessions, we try to stop all change. Why? Because we think we have something to 'lose' instead of embracing the flow.

No one gets up in the morning and says to themselves, I think I'm going to trip, fall down the stairs and break a bone or I think I'm going to get t-boned by someone running a red light. What puts us in those places is our thoughts. Being scattered, feeling vulnerable or unsafe, being fearful or in a state of lack or simply thinking how much worse can this get...all create a stream that you will encounter if you don't check your thoughts.

Contrarily, if you are happy and in a good mood, you see the goodness around you, things flow and appear very synchronistic. When you view your world from a place of appreciation and gratitude instead of judgment, blame, shame, worry, anger or fear, you are tapped into a stream of good will and the Universe will deliver more of that.

Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Catch your self-talk and change it if it doesn't uplift and support you positively, be willing to change.