Spirit Quest Journeys

When Your Beliefs and Experiences Collide

As someone who has been walking the spiritual path for a while now, I have done a lot of emptying out, releasing, reclaiming my personal power, working through childhood trauma, guilt, shame, and blame. I have done a lot of identifying and changing those pesky patterns that created a disconnect from source, truth, authenticity and living in heart-centered consciousness.

I thought I was doing pretty darn good...and then I had an epiphany.

My epiphany came to me early one morning ... as I was sitting, enjoying the early morning breeze and the sounds of nature with a cup of coffee, my mind wandered to thoughts of why, after nine years since my divorce, I still wasn't ready to date again. I had never considered the fact that all my reclaiming of my personal power , I had actually missed one big part...a part I didn't even know I was missing until now.

It was the part of me that I gave away with my own perceptions of how others has treated me. I had internalized my perceptions of their actions, categorized them, looked at them, neatly placed them in a box and locked it up tight. Except for the little tiny fact, I was still running the brain loop that was causing me to alter my behavior and my beliefs as a result. I was not living as authentically as I could. I was making all the new (or potentially new) people and experiences in my life to be tainted by my view based on how I was handling (or not handling) other people's behavior toward me from my past. 
It is my core belief to not carrying baggage from a past relationship into another one, to not judge others by someone else's opinion about them and to trust others until they gave me a reason not to. 

Then my outer world collided with that core belief. I was letting the hurt and pain from my experiences to taint my view in various ways for everyone who came into my life after them. Even though  I thought I had cleared the others and my experience with them out of my field, had released the pain and the trauma, healed and was coming from a place of love. The reality was, I had only partially done it.

When I looked at my general attitude and behavior, I was pushing people away based on my fear of being hurt, abandoned, rejected and betrayed again. I was avoiding dating, I was putting on weight, I was choosing to be alone and not making new friends.


Because I was still running that looping pattern of self protection when it wasn't needed! That pattern was from a different point in time, in a different city, with different people. I was changing but I hadn't updated this pattern and it was driving my life! AND, I didn't even realize it. 

When I look at all the people I have met after any of the encounters that caused me pain, not one of them was trying to do the same thing to me ... however I was treating them as if they were and did. How unfair of me! How rude to them! 

No one wants to be rejected just because they dared to show up in your view and have done nothing other than to be kind. No one deserves to be treated as if they are guilty before they have even had a chance to show themselves. No one wants to carry the burden of something they did not do and would not do.  

So how did this look to me?

I thought I had dealt with my divorce on all levels, physically, emotionally, and mentally. It was a long, expensive three year battle, and yet we remained friends for the past 9 years. I harbored no resentment and was enjoying my life. Through my epiphany, I was able to see that I had really only partially dealt with it, mentally, emotionally and physically.

A closer look at my life revealed that physically and emotionally I had put on weight...to pad and protect myself and to signal I was not available. I didn't want to date or meet new men...I wasn't "ready". I found myself making excuses such as "they just want a mother or caretaker", "all the good ones are taken", "all the men my age are wounded or broken or not doing their spiritual work" and "who would want to look at this body naked". Really?
THAT was my excuse? 
How inappropriate for me to lump all men together and project my attitude and unprocessed pain about my former relationship onto any one else without even giving them ta chance. I had to ask myself when did I become that person? And I must say, I was shocked with myself because even though it was not my core belief , it had become my pattern. A pattern that stemmed from my unprocessed pain and fear of being intimate with anyone else.

Are there some men out there that are that way? Absolutely! But the majority, no. I just wasn't willing to be out there and was blaming them as my reason, instead of looking to myself and accepting maybe I needed more time to really heal first and I seriously needed an attitude adjustment. 

So what does the healing look like to me? It came first as the awareness that I was projecting my fear and pain and pushing others away; then it came to the let's get to the root cause with a whole lot of questions (and ... and why ...) to myself.

As I began to peel it back, I got to the root cause and then I started re-framing my thought patterns to be more in alignment with my core beliefs and what I was really wanting. Looking for those all, always, never statements that were so not true. I started focusing in on what I do want so the Universe could bring that to me. And yes, at the top of my list was someone with integrity, honesty, honor, respect, trustworthiness who was dependable, kind, loving, fun to be with, would accept me as I am and was appropriate for where I am now. By calling forth those attributes, I can now see and attract that side of people instead of my projection designed to keep them all away.

We live in a physical world and it's messy. We get our feelings hurt, we misunderstand, we judge, we blame, we shame, we expect others to read from our script book instead of their own. But isn't that also the point? to experience life? to love? to give? to receive? to learn compassion and understanding? to grow? To be true to ourselves and stand in our own power without overpowering or projecting onto others? to live in heart-centered consciousness?

And what is the hurt and pain anyway? Isn't it really more that they couldn't live up to our expectations? And are those expectations even reasonable in the first place? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Do we allow others to show up as themselves or are we seeing who they are and then wanting and expecting them to be different just to please us? Was the hurt more about us not wanting to accept our time together was up and needing to blame them because we didn't get that memo or simply didn't want to be the one who got left?

I had a lot to think about. So now, I'm mindful of my thoughts and judgments and I'm doing my best to be open and willing to see the goodness in others so I can attract that to me. I choose to see the glass as half full and the world as fun place to be. I choose to acknowledge that it can be hostile at times but that there are times and places of joy, happiness and goodness. I choose to see the best in others first and only judge when given a real reason to. A reason that has been tempered with a fair analysis.

And I have enlisted my friends to remind me when I forget.

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